"If a child doesn’t know how to read, we teach. If a child doesn’t know how to swim, we teach. If a child doesn’t know how to multiply, we teach. If a child doesn’t know how to behave, we….?”
—Tom Herner, 1998
In 1998, Tom Herner asked why it is often so difficult for us to finish the statement above. Many of us instinctively want to say, "teach." Yet, there is also a strong cultural expectation that poor behavior should be punished. But is this really true—especially in a school, where the whole purpose is to foster learning and support growth?
Teachers are trained as educators, with skills and strategies that support learning and growth, while parents raise their children with love and compassion. Neither group is instilled with training in crime and punishment, nor do they bear the legal responsibilities of law enforcement or the judiciary. So why has it been so hard, traditionally, for schools to embrace ‘learning’ and ‘relationships’ as being more important than ‘punishment’ when it comes to managing behavior?
Perhaps a core reason for this paradox is that mistakes in relationships and behavior—unlike academic mistakes—carry emotional impacts. If a child makes a mistake in spelling, no one is harmed. But if they lash out in anger on the playground, others are hurt. It is this impact that leads to a desire for 'resolution,' which has traditionally meant ‘punishment.’ At NIS, with our commitment to inquire, inspire, impact, and include, there is no place for the traditional model of ‘crime and punishment.’ Instead, we adopt a restorative approach, rooted in the belief in learning, growth, humanity, and respect.
Restorative approaches replace the notion that harm is mended through punishment with the understanding that harm is mended when those affected feel heard and safe. Additionally, restorative approaches ensure that true learning results from resolving problems, thereby reducing the chance of recurrence.
This year, NIS is dedicating significant time and energy to enhancing our restorative practices. We were happy to host the inspiring David Vinegrad from ‘Behavior Matters,’ at a two-day EARCOS (East Asia Regional Council of Schools) supported training on Restorative Practice and Behavior Management for schools. Together with educators traveling from all over Asia, NIS staff dove deep into the ‘What’ and ‘Why’ of restorative practices on the weekend of September 21-22. This enhanced the commitment of staff across the school to creating a restorative approach that blends consistency, accountability, and firm, fair expectations with a deep focus on empathy, relationships, healing, and growth.
But restorative approaches are not just another way to respond to disciplinary problems. They are a systems-thinking approach that views school communities as interconnected, where relationships are central. A relational approach ensures that each child feels safe, valued, and heard. This helps not only in responding to problems but also in laying the foundations that make behavioral problems less likely in the first place. More importantly, it creates safe, understanding spaces in classrooms—prerequisites for successful, engaged, and happy learning experiences for all.
A restorative approach starts with deep reflection on how we can better know our students and help them know each other. It means making space during assemblies, circle time, homeroom, and wellbeing sessions for students to hear and be heard. It means creating systems where students have a voice in decisions that affect their experiences. It also means establishing clear, firm, and fair expectations about how we treat one another in our community, along with predictable and consistent methods for dealing with problems in a culture of accountability, empathy, and trust.
Most adults in the NIS community did not experience restorative approaches as children. We are accustomed to the idea of fixed penalties for designated offenses. For example, cheating on a test results in detention, fighting leads to suspension, and sexual bullying results in expulsion. We are used to the idea of ‘keeping out of trouble’ or ‘accepting the consequence’ and it may be a cultural shift for many parents – and indeed some staff – to instead view our work through a lens of empowerment, learning, accountability, and ownership.
A restorative school approaches this differently. Instead, it seeks 'natural justice,' in which ownership, accountability, and a commitment to learning drive the school’s response to problematic behavior. For those who caused harm, the process involves discussing what harm was caused and what is needed to make things right. For those who experienced harm, we seek to understand the nature of the harm and what those individuals need to feel confident that things have been made right. Throughout the process, we maintain dignity and respect for all, recognizing that children are learners and that mistakes provide opportunities for growth. Unlike traditional models, the process is not complete when the punishment is served; it is complete when everyone involved feels sufficient resolution to be able to move forward. This is a higher bar to meet and requires dedication, courage, commitment, and respect from all parties involved.
Restorative approaches will take many forms. Teachers will lay the foundations of relational teaching by establishing community norms and creating spaces where students can know each other, have a voice, and take ownership. And while these strategies will prevent most problems, along the way, small mistakes will happen, and teachers will use low-stakes interventions to help students reflect, learn, and correct their behavior. Most of these will be quick conversations for small incidents, but in situations in which the most serious levels of harm have been experienced, a restorative process might involve a community meeting with students, parents, and staff, working together to create a plan that allows all parties to feel safe, heard, and respected.
How will these conversations actually start? For those harmed, the process will involve questions like, "How did this affect you?" and "What do you need now to make things right?" For those who caused harm, the focus will be on questions such as “What were you thinking about at the time?”, “What was the impact of your actions?” and “What do you think you need to do to make things right”? These may be quick conversations for small incidents, or, for situations in which the most serious levels of harm have been experienced, a restorative process might involve a community meeting with students, parents, and staff, working together to create a plan that allows all parties to feel safe, heard, and respected. There may be a time when a whole class or grade level is engaged in a shared process. Or there may be a more simple process involving only two children. Yet all processes end in agreement over what needs to happen, and a plan to make sure that this is done. As a result, the aim is that all participants walk away from the process feeling safe, feeling heard, and have grown and learned as a result.
By embracing restorative approaches, we pave the way for a more compassionate, understanding, and inclusive community. A place where all students are supported in their growth—not just academically, but as empathetic individuals who learn from their mistakes and build stronger relationships with those around them. And with that, we are creating a stronger, more connected school where fairness, empathy, respect, accountability, and understanding coexist.
